Monte

Yes. I do read his journal. I read it a lot more then I probably should. It’s the first thing I see when I open up the favorites menu. Sometimes I wonder what he thinks about me. I wonder if he thinks I’m selfish because I judged his character wrong. Have I judged him wrong? I’m not sure. Truthfully, I’ve never had the balls to admit I’m wrong. But I’ll keep reading his journal, because like I said, it’s the first thing I see when I open up the favorites menu…

I was wondering one night about my sexuality. I’ve never doubted that I was gay before, but lately I’ve wondered about the girls that I felt attracted to in my childhood. I like to lie awake sometimes and think about Ashley Mason, Jana, Tagon Fry, and Jamie Perkins. And then I think to myself: What the hell was I thinking?!

Ashley Mason was the sweetest girl at Hillcrest Elementary School. She really was. Her name alone reminds me of the cherry that tops off an ice cream Sunday. Maybe it was her perkiness or the high pitched voice? Maybe it was the dark eyes that I felt attracted to? Or maybe it was the fact that I knew what boys were supposed to be thinking about at that age. Whatever it was about Ashley, I was hooked on her. When a friend would ask who I had a crush on, I’d blush and tell them Ashley Mason. Of course, then they’d run off and spread it all over school. Anyways, I also had a friend named Brandon at the time who attended both my day care and my school. Brandon was the most popular guy at Hillcrest Elementary. With blue eyes, blond hair, his chiseled features… I dreamt all the time about touching him at recess. I’d imagine him running around playing tag under the hot sun. His body would drip with sweat and I’d chase after to him and try and tag him. I always ran after Brandon when we played tag. He was the only one I wanted to tag. I thought maybe, just maybe, I’d get lucky and touch his bare skin or feel his muscles. But with Brandon being so perfect, and Ashley being so perfect… you know how the story goes. Brandon was my best friend until the day he asked Ashley out. I remember the day very well. We were on the playground at recess and Ashley was across the track field. Brandon asked me if I would ask Ashley out for him. And that was it. That was the moment that Brandon turned into my worst enemy. I hated him so much after that for wanting Ashley. Maybe I also hated him for being so damned popular. But of course, I don’t have the balls to tell people how I really feel. I never had the guts to tell a person what I really thought about them. I just hate confrontations. So I bit my tongue and agreed to go ask Ashley out for Brandon. After that, I watched them hold hands for months. I watched them hug and cuddle. I watched them break up to only make up five minutes later. Watching Ashley and Brandon’s relationship was like watching Ross and Rachel from Friends. And I’m sure you know what I mean by that.

Jana was more of a crush rather than an obsession like Ashley Mason was. Jan was blonde, beautiful, ditsy, overly flirtatious… maybe this is why every guy in school was after her. And I was after her too. Of course, I never got her.

Tagon Fry was an interesting experience. Her name alone was interesting. The story of Tagon is much like the story of Ashley. Only I got a tad bit farther with Tagon. I knew Tagon from day care and every afternoon after school, we’d be picked up by the day care van and together we’d sit in the back seat and talk and laugh and stare out the window. One afternoon while riding together, I remember it was very hot and Tagon told me that she was sweating bullets. I asked, “Really?” And she started moaning and wiping the sweat from her forehead with her shirt.

“Yes! God, it’s like an oven in here! Aren’t you hot? My armpits are sweating!”

“Really?” I asked. Then, as if her word wasn’t proof enough that she was indeed hot, she asked me to feel her armpit. … Before you turn your nose up, remember: We were in the fourth grade and the best of friends. So I kinda’ looked at her and laughed, and she tugged the sleeve of her t-shirt up so that I could feel her armpit. And I did. I slipped my hand in a little bit more slowly than I should have and well… I ended up missing the target of her armpit. Yeah, I missed by a very wide margin because before I knew what I was doing, I was feeling her small, right breast.

So what ever happened to Tagon Fry? Brandon dated her. Yep, that’s right. That scum bag (and by this time all attraction that was ever there for Brandon was now completely gone) asked Tagon out and she said yes. And again, it was the same story with Ashley. It was like watching back to back episodes of Friends.

I had my “first” kiss with Jamie Perkins. It wasn’t pretty. She wasn’t pretty. Or maybe this was the point in my life when my attraction for girls was beginning to dissolve? I think Jamie was my last chance of ever liking a girl and being liked back. Jamie and I went to day care together and one day at recess, we asked each other what French kissing was like. And that’s when I popped the question: “Do you wanna’ French kiss me?” Jamie was practically ecstatic and so was I. Maybe it would work out? So we hid from the teacher in one of those huge, long, metal tunnels that you crawl through. When we were nice and cozy and facing each other, I suggested that we close our eyes, count to three, and go for it. … And so we did. We closed our eyes, stuck out our tongues, and counted down. After ‘one,’ I went for it. The whole experience lasted for .20 seconds, just long enough for my tongue to touch hers and that’s all I needed. I wasn’t horny as I had expected I would have been, and the taste of her tongue was bitter and foul.

And then I was gay.