Monte

I had a fucked up childhood.

Thinking back on all of the crazy things I did as a child, you would think that my parents would have found out about a couple of them. You would think that they would have noticed my odd behavior and said something about it; you would think they would have said something about how I’d lock myself up in the bathroom all day long and sing; you would think that they would have mentioned something to me about my fetish for dancing naked around my room… but no. I can’t remember there ever being a time when my parents ever questioned me about my odd behavior. At the time, I guess I never once thought of my activities as being odd. I must have thought that all little boys did the things that I did, but now that I’ve grown up and can look back on all of the things I did as a child with a more educated mind, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was fucked up in the head… and who knows! Maybe I still am fucked up.

When I was child, say about six or seven, I had this thing for music. I mean, I was really into music. I was probably the only boy in all of the world who owned a Lionel Richie CD. In fact, I was probably the only boy in all of the world who had ever even heard of Lionel Richie! On top of that, I also owned a Tina Turner and a Paula Abdul CD. So like I said before, I’ve always been extremely into music. When I was younger, I’d take my little red Sony cassette player into the bathroom, close the door behind me, lay on the cold linoleum floor, and record myself singing. And when I say “singing,” I don’t mean a little hum with a few words, I mean full-blown, screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, rolling-on-the-floor singing! — I’m just amazed that my parents never showed any annoyance at this, because I did it practically every single day. Sometimes I’d sing dance songs that I had heard on the radio, but most of the time I’d just make up songs. I’d clap my hands together, stomp on the floor, fade my voice in and out, do little echo effects… I mean I was seriously screwed up! I think I suffered from a lack of social contact. While other boys my age were out playing around the neighborhood, I was sitting on my bathroom floor singing.

Then there came a point where the innocent, and only slightly questionable singing hobby got a little perverted: I began to dance erotically in my bedroom. — Does anybody ever remember that really old 80s song, “Don’t You Forget About Me” by Simple Minds? I’m not even sure what the song was about, but when I was younger, I always fantasized about the lead singer whose voice was deep and gravely and kind of erotic. Every time I’d hear the song, I’d get this mental image of a male stripper dressed as a firefighter swinging around a thick water hose… You get the picture. Anyways, so when I was younger, I’d close the door to my bedroom, pitch up my Little Tikes camping tent in the middle of my room, and as soon as the song started, I’d stride out of tent as if I was on a catwalk and I’d strip to the music. I remember that I use to hump the air to the beat, rub my butt all over the side of the tent… I mean I really got into it! Looking back on it now, I can’t believe that my mom never walked in on me! She probably would have passed out from the shock of seeing her seven year old son humping the side of his bed with “Don’t You Forget About Me” blaring from the cassette player! (You should download the song sometime; it’s quite nice. Hehe.)

Anyways, that’s enough talk about my screwball, homoerotic, childhood dancing. But while we’re still on the subject of music, I looked up an old artist that I use to like when I was a kid. A very long time ago, my Aunt Ellie gave me one of her cassette tapes as a little gift, “Stacey Q: Better Than Heaven.” I was sitting in Algebra class a few days ago when I remembered how much I use to love Stacey Q, so when I got home later that day, I downloaded the entire CD. While some of the tracks were still downloading, I looked up the bio for Stacey Q. Apparently, she use to be this hot Madonna wanna-be in the late 80s. She was most popular with the teen pop crowd, and the only hit CD from her entire career was “Better Than Heaven.” After a few failed attempts at some other albums, she went into a period of depression over her short-lived career. Then in 2001 she came out with a new album, appropriately entitled “Boomerang.” It was supposed to be her “comeback” CD, but Unfortunately, it was a flop. What interested me most, however, was that this CD was made up entirely of experimental Buddhist music! Stacey Q, once a teen pop star, lost her fame and ended her failed career with Buddhist experimental music! — And do you know what’s sad? She probably never even saw one dime from that album and is now another E! True Hollywood Story. She probably now lives in a rundown apartment building somewhere on the West coast, and she’ll probably die a talentless, Buddhist, alcoholic who tragically overdoses on her prescription depression pills. In the end, if she’s lucky, she’ll have a short, one paragraph obituary in the newspaper as tribute to her short-lived career as a “Madonna wanna-be.” — You can literally go from having everything to having nothing, and the only person that will ever remember you will be a 16 year old boy in Texas who still owns your last hit CD: Better Than Heaven.