Monte

I never watch porno videos from beginning to end, so I wonder sometimes why they even bother with a plot. It’s not like anybody’s winning an award for their achievement in “the arts.” When I’m watching porn, I skim around for the best parts. It sounds easy enough, but in actuality, it’s a very tedious and troublesome task, troublesome because I’m a very indecisive person; it’s hard to choose which scene I want to devote an entire thirty minutes of masturbation to. While skimming through pornos, I make a little list in my head of the scenes that look good. Then I tally up the pros and cons of each scene, and I make a decision from there. For example:

Scene 6: Hole Patrol. — Pros: Nice ass on the blonde guy, excellent facial expressions, nice moaning, and bareback. — Cons: Too much hair on the brunette, the music stinks, and the cum-shot leaves a lot to be desired.

Scene 8: Shattered Sphincters. — Pros: Big dick on the older guy, huge cum-shots, and some great ass-slapping. — Cons: Cheesy dirty talk, too much muscle, and one guy’s bald.

So in a situation like this, Hole Patrol would win. The music may be cheesy, but the sound can always be muted, and bareback always beats a bald man. Now, it’s all been relatively easy up to this point. Picking the right scene to masturbate to is quite simple when you compare it to the next task at hand: choosing the right moment during the video to ejaculate. You only get one chance at having an orgasm, so you better make it count. You wouldn’t want to waste an orgasm on, say, a close-up of a nut sack. I mean, a nut sack is great, but it’s not the best. You could certainly do a lot better than that. Finding the right moment is a constant battle, because all the while you wank, you think to yourself, “Can I do it now? Can I do it now? How ’bout now? Now is good! Oh, wait, maybe something better will come along! Wait… wait… oh, damn, he’s already cum. It’s over. Now I have to rewind all the way back to that one good part…” So then you have to stop wanking in order to rewind the movie to get back to that one good part in the movie where the guy’s mouth was wide open and his dick was straight up in the air and bobbing up and down. And you waste so much time rewinding the damn film (because some asshole decided to encode the video as a WMV) file so that by the time you finally get back to the best part in the whole scene, your hard-on is now limp and you have to work yourself up all over again.

Anyway, it’s suffice to say that masturbating to porn is not easy. I watched one this morning called, “Spyboy.” All was going well until… “So, what’s the news on, Bonk, Pete? — I’m just picking up a signal from the Dildo-Cam now, sir. He appears to be in Berlin.” … After this incredibly cheesy statement was made by one of the actors, my hard-on quickly diminished, and I had to call it quits.

I started my defensive driving course today. You know you’re overly-sensitive when the Driving Safety Course Video makes you cry.

That’s right. I cried while watching the Driving Safety Course Video. I felt like a complete schmuck. There was this one section on how fatigue affects your driving wherein this man tells the story about how his wife fell asleep behind the wheel and crashed her car head-on into a tree. The man broke down and cried and said the usual cliche, “I never got a chance to say goodbye.” And that’s when suddenly my eyes began to excrete this salty discharge. I was taken aback. I couldn’t believe that I was actually crying. I must have been suffering from some sort of chemical imbalance that day, but then again, I’ve noticed I’ve been quite emotional this month. My mom was watching CNN one afternoon and a story came on about a young couple who had died in a snowstorm. They had tried to call 911 several times, but no police were ever dispatched. And CNN, in all of their “journalistic integrity,” decided to play one of the 911 calls in-which the young man was crying and pleading with the operator to send help. When I heard his voice, a tiny switch inside of me flipped, and I yelled at my mother to, “turn that fucking shit off!” My outburst only lasted for a few seconds, and then I quickly regained composure. Hearing the boy’s helpless voice made me feel so terribly sick to my stomach.