Monte

It began when I posed a simple question to my boyfriend, James: “If you were an animal, what animal would you be?” It was the kind of question we were asked in preschool. The point being that we would thoughtfully pick out an animal whose traits closely resembled our own.

James chose the kangaroo. He explained that kangaroos are playful creatures, and the fact that they hop makes them playful and a little quirky, much like himself.

I’ll agree to that.

I chose to pick a smaller creature for myself. Something cute and cuddly. A little playful. A creature with some energy and pizzazz. So I chose the much-loved squirrel.

And so began the adventures of Mr. Kangaroo and Mr. Squirrel. At first, it was nothing more than a cute, little game we’d play: There were nights when I’d call James before bed and tell Mr. Kangaroo goodnight, and James would call me in the morning on my way to work to wish Mr. Squirrel a pleasant day.

But the game quickly became more and more complicated as the months passed, and a story began to develop which centered around the lives of Mr. Kangaroo and Mr. Squirrel. We began introducing new “characters” into the plot. First their was Mr. Badger. Mr. Badger and I (Mr. Squirrel), began having an adulterous affair. James (Mr. Kangaroo), quickly found out about my new furry lover, and soon began seeing a creature by the name of a Mr. Koala, who just happened to be James’ boss up at the “Banana Tree” (Banana Republic).

Confused? The tale continues, unfortunately.

I quickly grew tired of Mr. Badger and decided to break off the affair; however, Mr. Kangaroo continued seeing the Koala. I begged and pleaded with Mr. Kangaroo to end the relationship, but to no avail. One day while Mr. Kangaroo and I were driving around Dallas, I discovered Mr. Koala hiding in Mr. Kangaroo’s pouch! I decided I had had enough. In a fit of rage, I kicked the Koala out of my car. Shortly after, he was struck by another car which severely damaged his furry, little, hind leg.

Mr. Kangaroo felt bad about the whole incident and visited that damned Koala in the hospital every chance he got. But while that was going on, I stumbled across Mr. Sea Lion whilst out on one my morning scampers. We had a picnic lunch that afternoon and talked over dilled, egg salad sandwiches and iced tea, and so our affair ensued.

Mr. Koala was released from the hospital after a week and began collecting Medicaid. While he continued recovery, he took up a part-time position driving a DART bus. Of course, Mr. Kangaroo continued “caring” for the Koala. Apparently, I’m the one to blame for the accident since I insensitively kicked the Koala out of my car.

Whatever. I hate that cock-sucking Koala.

At least I still have Mr. Sea Lion.