Monte

My relationship history has been short and unexperienced. There have been three total, the longest of which lasted maybe two months. I had just turned 16, and James Taylor came long (not the singer). When I look back at it now, it was obvious infatuation. The first, so-called love to come along is always the sweetest, the most innocent, and the most memorable of them all. And then when it finally did end, it of course seemed like the end of the world. I remember we broke up over the phone. He said he just didn’t think that the “relationship” would go anywhere, me being so young and living with my parents, him 20 years old and out on his own. God, the whole thing sounds so ridiculous when you write it down. We both promised that we would be together again just as soon as I was old enough to move out of the house. Well, that obviously didn’t happen. In fact, James has now denounced homosexuality and has become a priest.

Two short relationships later, and I’m with another James. James Batchelor this time. Four relationships total. I must hold the record for having the fewest relationships of any gay male in his twenties. Or so it seems. Some of my friends tease me about this. They’re not sure whether to congratulate me on my self control or harass me for being such a conservative tight ass.

But from my short history, I can thankfully say that none of my relationships ended on sour notes. In fact, I’m friends with all four guys. The relationships were not abusive or dramatic, and the reason why this is important is because it seems that all of my gay male friends seem to have had such traumatic experiences with their past relationships. I find it hard to relate to them.

James, the current James, is one of those people with a bad history. Some of his past boyfriends were cheaters, some of them were liars, and some were even abusive—and all were jerks. So as a result, James has commitment issues, and although we have been together now for over a year, and while we have committed ourselves to one another, I sometimes have the feeling that he’s still cautious about giving 100 percent of himself to me. Understandably, this is disappointing sometimes. There are times when he’s outgoing and all smiles. But then there are other times when he’s quiet—uncomfortably quiet—as if he’s thinking through some problem in his head. And as ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I feel as if he could turn around at any moment and say goodbye.

By nature, I’m a very loving person, and when I give my heart to someone (which doesn’t happen often) I tend to jump in with both feet. There’s nothing wrong with this, or at least I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it; other people might argue that it’s naive, but that’s just me. It’s disheartening when James turns down my playful advances. He’ll claim he’s tired or not in the mood, and his formality makes me feel like a child again who’s too eager to open Christmas presents, and my parents are annoyed with me.

But I also understand that James is James. We’ve discussed this time and time again, and I know that there’s no easy fix, so I continue to wait it out. I know that someday he will finally trust himself to fall in love, and he’ll give all of himself to me.

Hopefully sooner than later.