Monte

I remember an episode of Seinfeld where George commented on the stagnat state of modern toilet paper which has remained virtually unchanged since 1879 when the Scott Paper Company first put it on a roll. Jerry and Elaine objected to George’s assessment stating that there have been numerous innovations: softness, absorption, two-ply, sheets-per-roll, colors, etc.

However, I have to agree with George. The beef I have with today’s common toilet paper is that it simply does not fulfill its intended purpose, and that is, to leave you clean. Joseph Gayetty had the right idea in 1857 when he introduced the world to pre-moistened, medicated wipes, but while you can buy similar products today, they never have reached mainstream.

It’s sad that we are incompetent when it comes to something that should otherwise be as straightforward as wiping one’s own ass. No matter how many times you wipe, your butt will never be 100 percent clean, will it? Sure, you can keep wiping until all “visible” signs of “waste” are gone, but is your ass really ever clean? Oh, come now. Don’t tell me that your ass is any cleaner than the rest of ours or that you’re more competent at cleaning your ass that the rest of us. Have you ever smelled your underwear? Of course not. Why? Because it would probably smell like shit. And yet day after day we continue to stupidly pull our underwear back up as if everything is fine and dandy. Well, I say it’s not dandy! I need more from my toilet paper. I want to clean my ass with confidence knowing that no residue or unsavory smell will be left behind.

We deserve more. We should demand more! And that’s why I hereby declare that we, the people, need to take back control of our personal hygiene and bring the pre-moistened, aloe-medicated, scented wipes into the mainstream! I will not give up my crusade until every bathroom in every house, school, church, office building, and government establishment is well-equipped with the necessary means to clean our asses properly!

Who’s with me?!