Monte

I have two final exams tomorrow, neither of which I’ve studied very much for. This is very unlike me, but with the prospect that summer is one day away and graduation only a year, I can’t really say that I care.

I had to take out a loan for the summer session: $2000 dollars. It’s the first and only loan I’ll have to take out for school, and yet it seems like so much. Curiously, I’ve been hiding this from my parents. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s pride or something. I feel the need to take care of things on my own and start paving my own way, although that’s not how my parents would see it.

Overall, I’m feeling rather blah tonight. Too much school, too much work, probably too much porn, although I’m happy to say that I deleted almost all of it. Not because I felt that the over 50 gigs was leading to my moral demise—I just needed the hard drive space, and there were only 10 or so videos even worth watching a second time.

James leaves for France in four months, and I’d be lying if I said that I feel confident about this trip—it’s going to be a disaster, I just know it. One evening we’ll be chatting over Skype and one of us will say something and then the other will say something and an argument will begin which will then escalate into a fight. And then of course my father will walk in and ask who I’m talking to and, embarrassed by the loss of my temper, I’ll become even more upset and say some things to James that I probably shouldn’t, and then James will get pissed off and hang up…

I told my mother today that I wanted to lay in the yard, spread like an eagle, and wait for the earth to stop spinning. Silence. That’s what I’ve been needing most these past couple of days. No friends, no family, no boyfriend, no coworkers—just silence; just enough to allow me to weed-out and de-tangle the mish-mash that’s in my head. Or as yoga instructor, Eric Schiffmann, says while in cat pose: I need to “still the chatter in [my] mind.”

A day. A week. Maybe for a month, and then I’ll feel fine again.