Monte

My earliest memory is of my mother feeding me in my crib. She lowered a small bottle of milk into my tiny hands and left to take a shower. I still remember the taste of the rubber nipple in my mouth. The ceiling was white, and above me to my right I could see a doorway leading into a hall, and my mother’s face appeared again a short while later with her wet hair wrapped in a white towel. “You’re the most prettiest lady in the world,” I always thought. And she was. She replaced my empty bottle with another, and the warm milk always made me feel so happy.

Sometimes I wish I were at that age when the small things still excited me like thunderstorms, Legos, and tents made of furniture and blankets. The quiet and uncomplicated times that I thought would never end, the times when I still watched Bugs Bunny on saturday mornings. I asked my mother once, “Why don’t grownups ever watch cartoons?”, and I decided at that moment that grownups were all too screwed up and too serious to enjoy the simple things, and I pledged that I would always watch cartoons.

Elementary school began and it was a scary time. No more bottles of milk and fewer cartoons. After all of the parents had left the classroom on the first day of school, I felt as if I had stepped into a concentration camp and my only interest was in surviving for that one day. I realize now that it must have been hell for my mother, too. She left her little boy in the hands of strangers; maybe one day I’ll know exactly how she felt.

Middle school. By now I’m beginning to realize that I’m measuring my life in school years instead of birthdays or vacations or holidays.

21 years later and I’m commuting to work, earning a paycheck, making car payments, and involved in a relationship with another man. There are times like tonight when suddenly feel so unfortunate for not having enjoyed my childhood any more than I did. I feel sometimes like I should have hugged my mother and father more, been more obedient, more thankful, and less ignorant. I wish I could have appreciated the milk and the cartoons and the Legos and tents and thunderstorms.