July 4th, 2009
Another holiday alone
It’s true that nowadays I only write in my journal when I’m either really happy or really depressed. Tonight it’s the latter.
Today is the fourth of July and the seventh holiday I’ve spent alone and single. First there was Halloween in which the previous two years were spent at the Cedar Spring block party with James. The first year we spent together, James and I dressed up as the Ambiguously Gay Duo from Saturday Night Live both sporting blue spandex from head to toe and yellow underwear—I was Ace. For our second Halloween, I made a primitive swan dress and went as Bjork. James dressed like a cowboy and went as one of the main characters from Broke Back Mountain.
Then there was Thanksgiving—also alone. I had dinner with the family, and my aunt turned to me at the dinner table and asked, “So how’s James?” I was touched that she cared, but I had to smile through clenched teeth and say, “We’re no longer together.”
Christmas was right around the corner—my first Christmas after having moved out of my parents’ house. I slept over there Christmas Eve night in what use to be my old room. I felt out-of-place tucked away in my old twin bed. It felt familiar, but not entirely. And again, I was alone.
New Years Eve: My date cancels on me due to food poisoning, and I spend the night soaking in the tub and getting drunk off a bottle of champagne I bought at the CVS down the street. I was in bed by 11:30 but was awoken at midnight by the sound of cars honking and people cheering.
And then it was Valentine’s day which was by far my worst holiday ever—one which I will never forget. The guy I had been dating and sleeping with for the past month told me he was HIV positive and had been so for the past seven years—just a small detail he left out while we were fucking. Three months of unimaginable pain and grief later, I got tested and the result came back negative. Hallmark should come out with a card that says, “Happy Valentines. I got you HIV this year.”
For my birthday this past May, I got drunk and slept with my best friend—who already has a boyfriend.
And today, for the fourth of July, I wrote this journal entry and forgot to go up to the roof to watch the fireworks.
We’ll see what the next holiday brings.
